Anyone who knows me will know that I've always struggled to stay in control of my diabetes properly for longer than about a week. It's just always been something that hasn't come naturally to me in the five and a half years that I've been diagnosed, it always felt like something else in my mind took priority over diabetes and it would get pushed to the back, I suppose you could say that diabetes took a back seat for the majority of my diagnosis for whatever reason. Until now.
I have to change, things need to be different. I need to be healthy, and everyone who cares about me needs to know that I will be ok. I need to prove to myself that I can control my diabetes and that my dream of seeing a HbA1c below 7% is achievable. Seeing a high HbA1c is not how it should be, I need to face diabetes head on once and for all and stay in control, and for the past few weeks I've found myself doing just that.
I went into Diabetic Ketoacidosis a few weeks ago. I went into hospital on the Thursday and was discharged on the Tuesday, my consultant wanted to give my body a break from all the high blood sugar I had been having, so although I was out of DKA by the Friday the nurses took over my diabetes care from that moment on for a few days and got my body used to normal blood sugar again. On the day I was discharged I realised that I could see without my glasses on, anyone who follows me on Twitter knows that I was extremely confused at this, but I liked it. My eye sight was clear as day, I couldn't stop looking around- my eyes lasted three days before they went back to being blurred again. I was disappointed to say the least when I realised I no longer had 20/20 vision, something which I hadn't had since I was about eight years old. I've come to the conclusion that my eyes got a little excited about my blood sugars being controlled again, although I still find it hard to apply this theory to the situation because I've been wearing glasses since before I was diagnosed with diabetes, so it's not like diabetes was the initial cause for my blurred vision.
Anyway, my point in saying all of this is because I realise just how much diabetes affects my eyes, we all know diabetes can cause all sorts of horrible things and we all know that one of the most commonly affected by diabetes are our eyes, but it doesn't seem as "real" until you see the effects. I've always said that the complication I would be most devastated about if I ever unfortunately got any would be if I developed retinopathy, I would hate that, I don't know how I would handle losing my sight. I am a very visual person, I want to do film studies at Uni and I like seeing the world around me, I hate darkness...and I hate that diabetes threatens my eyes so much. It's clear to me how much fluctuating glucose levels impact my eyes and it's an impact I want to minimise as much as possible. But don't get me wrong, I want to avoid all the complications.
I'm not going to lie, at a time when I was really really bad at controlling my diabetes and I had a HbA1c of 15% I didn't think about complications and to a certain extent they didn't worry me, the threat of them didn't seem enough to make me control my diabetes. Basically, I couldn't be scared into controlling my diabetes and I know I wasn't the only one who felt like that. It sounds weird doesn't it? Because controlling my diabetes centers around three main things, staying safe, preventing complications and having a life: having the energy and good blood sugar to be able to live your life to the full and live it well. All three of those things are something that can't be achieved in a constant state of high blood sugar.
As I said at the beginning of this post controlling my diabetes is something that I have found myself successfully doing for the past few weeks and I am immensely proud of myself. I can't remember the last time that my diabetes was this well controlled apart from the times that my diabetes has been controlled for me in hospital. My blood sugar meter tells me that I have a 7-day average blood sugar of 7.3mmol and a 14-day average blood sugar of 7.9, and to me this is awesome and I don't see why it wouldn't be awesome to anyone else who knows that I've struggled with keeping my blood sugar in range for as long as I can remember.
It's crazy how one minute I was living a totally ordinary life and then I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and suddenly everything changed. There isn't an aspect of my life that diabetes doesn't impact and that's something that I find incredibly frustrating but I deal with it. I deal with diabetes because I don't have a choice, and I know it's hard, but however hard it gets I just go with it because I have to. I can't run away from diabetes although I've wished that I could plenty of times.
I think I've noticed that the only way to really feel a little bit ok about having diabetes for me is to be in control of it and I know that's easier said than done, but believe me, if you're struggling with your diabetes there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't quite see it, just keep going. My consultant told me that having control of your blood sugars really improves your mood and the first thing I noticed when I was back in control was that sense of optimism and motivation that I had lost for so long and I intend to keep things that way.
Monday, 2 March 2015
Monday, 26 January 2015
Pens
Over the weekend I decided to switch back to pens, my pump was getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong I love having my insulin pump but sometimes I just want a break from the tubing and the bulkiness of it, also, the clip is a little bit broken so my pump likes to do a nose-dive every once in a while. I've forgotten how free it feels to not be wearing my pump- it feels nice! Different, but nice. I'm still wary of doorknobs and my rabbits being on my lap in case my tubing gets chewed or pulled out...but then I remember I'm not actually wearing my pump so I can relax a little in that respect.
The thing about insulin pumps is although they're brilliant and totally allow you a lot more freedom in terms of food and insulin doses, they're hard work. You have to be so wary of it all of the time, you need to make sure the tubing is tucked in and make sure that it's filled up with insulin and fully charged before you go anywhere. And in comparison pens are so much simpler! So I made the impromptu decision to switch back to insulin pens and so far so good.
Another thing about insulin pens is I feel like they make you a bit more disciplined, In the sense that, you need to do your injections or it could end up much worse than if you didn't bolus on a pump because a pump has the basal rate...but if you didn't do your levemir or lantus then it might be a whole different story because you would have no insulin at all. I was at clinic the other week and my consultant knows that I'm not the best for bolusing my food so that's something I need to work on...'basal machine' was his choice of words. Thankfully he's totally not mean and doesn't shout!
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should switch back to pens all together...but then I think I'd probably end up getting really fed up of them. Because even though it's simpler in the concept, it's not that simple when you're out and about because you actually have to stop what you're doing, or find somewhere to sit down while you inject, whereas with an insulin pump you just press a couple of buttons and then you're done.
So, I have mixed ideas about pumps and pens, and I think I like a bit of both every once in a while.
-Ellie
The thing about insulin pumps is although they're brilliant and totally allow you a lot more freedom in terms of food and insulin doses, they're hard work. You have to be so wary of it all of the time, you need to make sure the tubing is tucked in and make sure that it's filled up with insulin and fully charged before you go anywhere. And in comparison pens are so much simpler! So I made the impromptu decision to switch back to insulin pens and so far so good.
Another thing about insulin pens is I feel like they make you a bit more disciplined, In the sense that, you need to do your injections or it could end up much worse than if you didn't bolus on a pump because a pump has the basal rate...but if you didn't do your levemir or lantus then it might be a whole different story because you would have no insulin at all. I was at clinic the other week and my consultant knows that I'm not the best for bolusing my food so that's something I need to work on...'basal machine' was his choice of words. Thankfully he's totally not mean and doesn't shout!
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should switch back to pens all together...but then I think I'd probably end up getting really fed up of them. Because even though it's simpler in the concept, it's not that simple when you're out and about because you actually have to stop what you're doing, or find somewhere to sit down while you inject, whereas with an insulin pump you just press a couple of buttons and then you're done.
So, I have mixed ideas about pumps and pens, and I think I like a bit of both every once in a while.
-Ellie
Friday, 9 January 2015
To Jamie Oliver
Yesterday I saw that you had posted a photo of yourself holding packets of sugar in front of a giant can that had "diabetes" written on the front of it, and I shared my angry thoughts on it on Twitter and it got 30 retweets and 24 favourites, evidently the diabetes community shared my views. I know you've received a lot of angry messages and tweets and comments all in response to your photo and I know you've tweeted that you "fully understand" why people are mad about your photo, but you'll never "fully understand" really, if you did then perhaps you would have taken the photo down...but it's still up, and it's still up there with it's 32,320 likes, 1,381 comments and 1,702 shares, it's there contributing to the stigma around diabetes, the stigma that those of us who actually have diabetes, are trying to end.
This isn't just strictly to you, Jamie, but to all of the other people who have done something similar and to raise awareness of type 1 and type 2 diabetes in general.
Here is what I have to say about your photo, the photo that I wish you would have never put up because it's offensive and it makes you almost as bad as the people on Instagram who put up photos of cakes and sweets and hashtag them with #diabetes, #imgoingtogetdiabetes, #thisisdiabetes. I have Type 1 Diabetes, I was diagnosed when I was 11 almost 12 years old on June 21st 2009, I'm now 17 years old and I've had this diabetes blog since March 2013, as you may or may not be able to tell I'm very passionate about raising awareness of this disease.
Let me tell you about type 1, I didn't get it from a can of coke. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease, my immune system killed off the insulin-producing cells in my pancreas through no fault of my own. I know the can doesn't say type 1 or type 2, but just 'diabetes' and a lot of people have responded to those of us with type 1 diabetes that have taken offence to the photo with "but the can doesn't say type 1 OR 2?" and my response? That's the point. I wish people would stop using the word 'diabetes' as an umbrella term, type 1 diabetes and type 2 diabetes are very different from each other.
Secondly, sugar alone doesn't even cause type two diabetes, there are other factors like genetics that cause it. In fact, fit and healthy people can develop type two, think of Sir Steve Redgrave for example- he is an Olympian, and he lives with type 2 diabetes, he's not a fat, old, sugar-consuming slob who lies on the sofa all day. So in actual fact, the can shouldn't say 'diabetes' at all. I'm all for promoting healthy eating and exercise but why is it so hard for people to do it without mentioning diabetes? I know that diet can be a contributor to type 2 but if you're going to say that then say type 2 diabetes! Don't just refer to it as 'diabetes', because that adds to people being unable to differentiate between the two diseases and thus diabetes becomes a disease for the obese, when those of us with type 1 and even some with type 2 did nothing to cause it.
It's offensive, it is so offensive to see a photo like yours, Jamie. I have to test my blood sugar 4+ times a day, and I wear an insulin pump 24/7 just to stay alive, I am dependent on insulin and I did nothing to bring that upon myself, I have type one DIABETES. I have diabetes, and when I see it sprawled over the front of a can of coke it makes me so mad. Your photo is so incredibly irritating. Also, a lot of people with type 2 didn't do anything to bring it upon themselves so they're probably equally as irritated.
If I could ask you one thing it would be please take the photo down. I am diabetic and I did not get diabetes from a can of coke. I depend on an insulin pump to live and I need to test my blood sugar daily, I have to carry various supplies like spare cannulas, glucose, injection pens, needles, and I live with the risk of getting complications like blindness, nerve damage and kidney failure, and no part of that is my own fault.
And I wish not that just Jamie Oliver understands that, but that the rest of society does too.
This isn't just strictly to you, Jamie, but to all of the other people who have done something similar and to raise awareness of type 1 and type 2 diabetes in general.
Here is what I have to say about your photo, the photo that I wish you would have never put up because it's offensive and it makes you almost as bad as the people on Instagram who put up photos of cakes and sweets and hashtag them with #diabetes, #imgoingtogetdiabetes, #thisisdiabetes. I have Type 1 Diabetes, I was diagnosed when I was 11 almost 12 years old on June 21st 2009, I'm now 17 years old and I've had this diabetes blog since March 2013, as you may or may not be able to tell I'm very passionate about raising awareness of this disease.
Let me tell you about type 1, I didn't get it from a can of coke. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease, my immune system killed off the insulin-producing cells in my pancreas through no fault of my own. I know the can doesn't say type 1 or type 2, but just 'diabetes' and a lot of people have responded to those of us with type 1 diabetes that have taken offence to the photo with "but the can doesn't say type 1 OR 2?" and my response? That's the point. I wish people would stop using the word 'diabetes' as an umbrella term, type 1 diabetes and type 2 diabetes are very different from each other.
Secondly, sugar alone doesn't even cause type two diabetes, there are other factors like genetics that cause it. In fact, fit and healthy people can develop type two, think of Sir Steve Redgrave for example- he is an Olympian, and he lives with type 2 diabetes, he's not a fat, old, sugar-consuming slob who lies on the sofa all day. So in actual fact, the can shouldn't say 'diabetes' at all. I'm all for promoting healthy eating and exercise but why is it so hard for people to do it without mentioning diabetes? I know that diet can be a contributor to type 2 but if you're going to say that then say type 2 diabetes! Don't just refer to it as 'diabetes', because that adds to people being unable to differentiate between the two diseases and thus diabetes becomes a disease for the obese, when those of us with type 1 and even some with type 2 did nothing to cause it.
It's offensive, it is so offensive to see a photo like yours, Jamie. I have to test my blood sugar 4+ times a day, and I wear an insulin pump 24/7 just to stay alive, I am dependent on insulin and I did nothing to bring that upon myself, I have type one DIABETES. I have diabetes, and when I see it sprawled over the front of a can of coke it makes me so mad. Your photo is so incredibly irritating. Also, a lot of people with type 2 didn't do anything to bring it upon themselves so they're probably equally as irritated.
If I could ask you one thing it would be please take the photo down. I am diabetic and I did not get diabetes from a can of coke. I depend on an insulin pump to live and I need to test my blood sugar daily, I have to carry various supplies like spare cannulas, glucose, injection pens, needles, and I live with the risk of getting complications like blindness, nerve damage and kidney failure, and no part of that is my own fault.
And I wish not that just Jamie Oliver understands that, but that the rest of society does too.
Saturday, 1 November 2014
November is Diabetes Awareness Month
It's Diabetes Awareness month!
1 in 600 young people in England have type 1 diabetes. On June 21st 2009 I became one of them, I was 11 years old, nearly 12, I'm 17 now and in my 5th year of living with type 1 diabetes.
What people aren't aware of is how it happens, and it's symptoms and just serious it is. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the pancreas attacks the insulin producing beta cells in the pancreas. My pancreas does not produce insulin. Everybody needs insulin to live. It regulates the amount of sugar in our blood by allowing energy from the food we eat into the cells to be used by the body...which is why I'm attached to an insulin pump 24/7, it gives me insulin via a cannula under my skin. If I didn't have insulin via a pump or injections then I would die because I would have zero insulin in my body and the amount of sugar in my blood would rise to dangerous levels, causing my blood to turn acidic and if left untreated without insulin, this condition, otherwise known as diabetic ketoacidosis, is fatal.
Trying to keep my blood sugar at a safe level is a 24/7 job. I don't get to take a break. Too little insulin and my blood sugar will go high, too much insulin and my blood sugar will go low. That's why I also have to prick my finger 4+ times a day so I can see what level my blood sugar is at. High blood sugar makes me feel thirsty and tired and is treated with more insulin, low blood sugar makes me feel shaky and weak and left untreated with glucose can also result in a coma or death. Overtime diabetes can lead to complications like blindness, kidney failure, nerve damage, amputation and more. It is not impossible to control blood sugar, but it is hard- it's not just food that can affect my blood sugar, it can fluctuate due to the weather, stress, illness and even emotions. A simple cold or flu can send my blood sugars very high despite lots of insulin and sometimes this can result in a trip to hospital.
I've been hospitalised about six times since being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. 5 times out of 6 were due to being in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA for short), the condition that I mentioned earlier. Two of these times were due to being unwell and the other three were due to my insulin pump cannula coming out during the night and I didn't realise, and so I got no insulin for hours, resulting in the build up of toxins in my blood called ketones, which make my blood turn acidic. If this is left untreated it is fatal. And then this summer I spent two weeks at UCLH getting my insulin doses re-calculated and getting help to get back in control of my diabetes.
People don't understand how serious type 1 diabetes is and just how much of a 24/7 job it is. So that's why I've written this long blog post! To make people aware. But what I also want to make people aware of is that yes, I struggle with this disease a lot of the time and yes, I have my down days...but I am okay. And I know how to enjoy my life and I am grateful for what I have got. I haven't got time to waste being depressed about being type 1 diabetic, or wondering why I have to deal with this. Instead I've tried to get something positive out of it, I've tried to use it to help others and raise awareness. The opportunities that I have been given from having type 1 diabetes are more than I could have ever imagined and so unexpected- I'm glad that I have had positive things to focus on, like being co-chair of JDRF's 2014 Type 1 Parliament in March, doing a speech at JDRF's charity gala in London in June this year, having this blog that has over 35,000 views, going to Parliament with Diabetes UK in June last year and doing a speech there too, and getting to know some amazing people.
That's not to say that I don't ever get upset about having type 1 diabetes, or want to give up...and there are days when I just want to cry about it because it can make me feel so rubbish, and some nights I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear of a low blood sugar during the night...The reality is that despite how positive I can be about it, it's still a huge weight on mine and my parent's shoulders, and to have that lifted off of our shoulders would be a huge sigh of relief. To help me through it I have amazing parents who support me so much, along with the rest of my family and friends.
Life with type one diabetes is a tough journey and definitely has it's highs and lows (excuse the pun!) but it is as my blog title says...bittersweet.
So, every November (and every month actually!!) be aware of type 1 diabetes and it's symptoms (thirst, tiredness, weight loss and going to the toilet a lot), be aware that even type 2 diabetes isn't always caused by a bad diet, be aware of the parents who work super hard every single day to look after their type 1 kids, be aware of the charities like JDRF who are trying to find the cure, and be aware of the thousands of kids, teenagers and adults who are out there living with type 1 diabetes like me. All doing our best to raise awareness, all fighting through the tough days and still smiling, and all wanting to remind people of one more major thing: No! We did not get it from eating too much sugar.
Some photos:
1 in 600 young people in England have type 1 diabetes. On June 21st 2009 I became one of them, I was 11 years old, nearly 12, I'm 17 now and in my 5th year of living with type 1 diabetes.
What people aren't aware of is how it happens, and it's symptoms and just serious it is. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease in which the pancreas attacks the insulin producing beta cells in the pancreas. My pancreas does not produce insulin. Everybody needs insulin to live. It regulates the amount of sugar in our blood by allowing energy from the food we eat into the cells to be used by the body...which is why I'm attached to an insulin pump 24/7, it gives me insulin via a cannula under my skin. If I didn't have insulin via a pump or injections then I would die because I would have zero insulin in my body and the amount of sugar in my blood would rise to dangerous levels, causing my blood to turn acidic and if left untreated without insulin, this condition, otherwise known as diabetic ketoacidosis, is fatal.
Trying to keep my blood sugar at a safe level is a 24/7 job. I don't get to take a break. Too little insulin and my blood sugar will go high, too much insulin and my blood sugar will go low. That's why I also have to prick my finger 4+ times a day so I can see what level my blood sugar is at. High blood sugar makes me feel thirsty and tired and is treated with more insulin, low blood sugar makes me feel shaky and weak and left untreated with glucose can also result in a coma or death. Overtime diabetes can lead to complications like blindness, kidney failure, nerve damage, amputation and more. It is not impossible to control blood sugar, but it is hard- it's not just food that can affect my blood sugar, it can fluctuate due to the weather, stress, illness and even emotions. A simple cold or flu can send my blood sugars very high despite lots of insulin and sometimes this can result in a trip to hospital.
I've been hospitalised about six times since being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. 5 times out of 6 were due to being in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA for short), the condition that I mentioned earlier. Two of these times were due to being unwell and the other three were due to my insulin pump cannula coming out during the night and I didn't realise, and so I got no insulin for hours, resulting in the build up of toxins in my blood called ketones, which make my blood turn acidic. If this is left untreated it is fatal. And then this summer I spent two weeks at UCLH getting my insulin doses re-calculated and getting help to get back in control of my diabetes.
People don't understand how serious type 1 diabetes is and just how much of a 24/7 job it is. So that's why I've written this long blog post! To make people aware. But what I also want to make people aware of is that yes, I struggle with this disease a lot of the time and yes, I have my down days...but I am okay. And I know how to enjoy my life and I am grateful for what I have got. I haven't got time to waste being depressed about being type 1 diabetic, or wondering why I have to deal with this. Instead I've tried to get something positive out of it, I've tried to use it to help others and raise awareness. The opportunities that I have been given from having type 1 diabetes are more than I could have ever imagined and so unexpected- I'm glad that I have had positive things to focus on, like being co-chair of JDRF's 2014 Type 1 Parliament in March, doing a speech at JDRF's charity gala in London in June this year, having this blog that has over 35,000 views, going to Parliament with Diabetes UK in June last year and doing a speech there too, and getting to know some amazing people.
That's not to say that I don't ever get upset about having type 1 diabetes, or want to give up...and there are days when I just want to cry about it because it can make me feel so rubbish, and some nights I'm afraid to fall asleep for fear of a low blood sugar during the night...The reality is that despite how positive I can be about it, it's still a huge weight on mine and my parent's shoulders, and to have that lifted off of our shoulders would be a huge sigh of relief. To help me through it I have amazing parents who support me so much, along with the rest of my family and friends.
Life with type one diabetes is a tough journey and definitely has it's highs and lows (excuse the pun!) but it is as my blog title says...bittersweet.
So, every November (and every month actually!!) be aware of type 1 diabetes and it's symptoms (thirst, tiredness, weight loss and going to the toilet a lot), be aware that even type 2 diabetes isn't always caused by a bad diet, be aware of the parents who work super hard every single day to look after their type 1 kids, be aware of the charities like JDRF who are trying to find the cure, and be aware of the thousands of kids, teenagers and adults who are out there living with type 1 diabetes like me. All doing our best to raise awareness, all fighting through the tough days and still smiling, and all wanting to remind people of one more major thing: No! We did not get it from eating too much sugar.
Some photos:
 |
| Love how gross I look in this photo! Not! Hospital with DKA |
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| JDRF Walk to cure diabetes last year |
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| JDRF's Type 1 Parliament in March 2014 Me with my mum and local MP Nick De Bois |
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| Another time that I was in DKA |
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| My insulin pump |
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| Speech in Pariament with Diabetes UK in June last year |
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| And me! |
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Infusion site
For as long as I can remember I've put my infusion set in my stomach. I could never bring myself to put it anywhere else. It's the most comfortable place for me and it doesn't hurt at all, unless I hit a nerve...then it hurts. I've been so used to doing it in my stomach that I totally forgot about the rule of rotating sites until every time I tried to do a bolus my cannula would sting a lot, so I decided it was probably a good idea to give in and rotate sites. I know that's bad diabetic etiquette to not rotate sites! But when you're apprehensive to put it anywhere else it's a bit hard.
Site change day rolled around and I pulled the cannula out of my stomach for what would be the last time in a little while. I'm giving my stomach a break, it's got so many little marks from infusion sets. I'll just go mark another part of my body with needles. The chosen place was my hip, but more round towards the fattier bit at the back. This was probably the longest amount of time that I have taken to insert a cannula, second to the very first time I ever did it. I sat for a long time...contemplating my decision..."will this hurt?" "have I put it in the right place?" "Can I even insert it here?" I knew all of the answers in my head, but my brain wouldn't comprehend them and I just couldn't bring myself to fire in the needle. I think it was the first time that I actually said I was scared. I was scared to put my cannula there and I'm not afraid to admit it. So I asked my mum for help, and she re-assured me lots of times that it was in the right place. So I did it, and you know what? It didn't even hurt. I was just so apprehensive about it and nervous to get out of my old ways of inserting it into my stomach. The next morning I totally forgot that I had even changed sites and couldn't feel it one bit.
I had no choice but to do something that instilled such apprehension in me, there was no way that I wasn't going to have to fire that needle into my stomach whether I liked it or not. And that's unfair to me in my head, why did I have to go through such emotion and insert a needle into my skin? Because I'm type 1 diabetic. Nothing will change it and for the rest of my life I will continue to put needles into my skin over and over again and no matter how scared I am, I have to do it anyway. Bravery isn't being unafraid, it's doing something even if you're scared. Some would call me brave, but to me I'm doing what I have to do to stay alive. I realise that I found courage to move my infusion site to a different place and yes, it's not a major thing but it's unsettling when you find yourself at a time of fear in the face of something you have done hundreds of times before. I suppose it was fear of the unknown, I was getting myself out of old habits. I know what it feels like when the needle goes in, I know what it feels like if I hit a nerve, but only when it's in my stomach...anywhere else was a mystery to me.
I'm glad I did it. I got over a hurdle that I had been reluctant to jump over for a very long time. I don't feel silly for being nervous to do it. I think it just re-instates the fact that you can never really, truly, get used to needles- no matter how often you've been stabbed with them. It's something that is still so alien to a person whether they're diabetic or not, and it's a reminder that we're not immune to pain, or the fear of needles- I still find myself in times where I'm afraid to fire the needle in- and it's natural, it's natural human instinct. I'm not afraid of needles, I was more-so just fearful of putting it in a different place. And that's what was so unsettling for me I suppose!
-Ellie
Site change day rolled around and I pulled the cannula out of my stomach for what would be the last time in a little while. I'm giving my stomach a break, it's got so many little marks from infusion sets. I'll just go mark another part of my body with needles. The chosen place was my hip, but more round towards the fattier bit at the back. This was probably the longest amount of time that I have taken to insert a cannula, second to the very first time I ever did it. I sat for a long time...contemplating my decision..."will this hurt?" "have I put it in the right place?" "Can I even insert it here?" I knew all of the answers in my head, but my brain wouldn't comprehend them and I just couldn't bring myself to fire in the needle. I think it was the first time that I actually said I was scared. I was scared to put my cannula there and I'm not afraid to admit it. So I asked my mum for help, and she re-assured me lots of times that it was in the right place. So I did it, and you know what? It didn't even hurt. I was just so apprehensive about it and nervous to get out of my old ways of inserting it into my stomach. The next morning I totally forgot that I had even changed sites and couldn't feel it one bit.
I had no choice but to do something that instilled such apprehension in me, there was no way that I wasn't going to have to fire that needle into my stomach whether I liked it or not. And that's unfair to me in my head, why did I have to go through such emotion and insert a needle into my skin? Because I'm type 1 diabetic. Nothing will change it and for the rest of my life I will continue to put needles into my skin over and over again and no matter how scared I am, I have to do it anyway. Bravery isn't being unafraid, it's doing something even if you're scared. Some would call me brave, but to me I'm doing what I have to do to stay alive. I realise that I found courage to move my infusion site to a different place and yes, it's not a major thing but it's unsettling when you find yourself at a time of fear in the face of something you have done hundreds of times before. I suppose it was fear of the unknown, I was getting myself out of old habits. I know what it feels like when the needle goes in, I know what it feels like if I hit a nerve, but only when it's in my stomach...anywhere else was a mystery to me.
I'm glad I did it. I got over a hurdle that I had been reluctant to jump over for a very long time. I don't feel silly for being nervous to do it. I think it just re-instates the fact that you can never really, truly, get used to needles- no matter how often you've been stabbed with them. It's something that is still so alien to a person whether they're diabetic or not, and it's a reminder that we're not immune to pain, or the fear of needles- I still find myself in times where I'm afraid to fire the needle in- and it's natural, it's natural human instinct. I'm not afraid of needles, I was more-so just fearful of putting it in a different place. And that's what was so unsettling for me I suppose!
-Ellie
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
Ramble
I'm slacking with my blog, and I always say that it's because I have nothing to write about yet I live with this disease 24/7...there's almost always something to write about; but the question is if I remember to do it or not. Today marks three weeks being back at sixth form, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by it all, by exams and re-marks, and re-sits and whether or not we'll get our final grades next year. And if you asked me how I'm feeling I'll tell you I'm tired, because I am, and it's sixth form and it's diabetes, and dumb hormones that don't do their job properly.
There's nothing of any significance going on with diabetes, I try my best, I get up everyday and go through the same routine as the day before, and the day before that...the whole thing became monotonous a long time ago; but my attitude to it changes everyday. One day I'll feel determined and the next I'll feel like it's all too much...but it can never be too much; because at the end of the day I don't have a choice whether it feels like too much or not. I recently found out that Elsa from Frozen was inspired by the executive producer's son...who is a type 1 diabetic, it made me smile and it made me feel proud to be diabetic. For a film with characters that had such an impact on people's lives to be ever so slightly affiliated with type one diabetes makes me smile, it's such a positive. I agreed to seeing the psychologist at the hospital- I spoke a lot about how I'm feeling in clinic back in August- it felt good to have everything out in the open and to know that my consultant understands. I'm happy with myself for agreeing. The problem I had for such a long time was that seeing a psychologist meant talking about yourself, about how you feel about things, and I just remember thinking "I don't even know how I feel, how can I tell someone else about it?" But it seems clearer in my head now. I feel like I'm at a point where seeing the psychologists can benefit me the most. What happens with me at the moment is I let myself get discouraged by high blood sugars, it's mainly when I know that the high blood sugar is my fault because then I don't want to test again because I don't want to know what the reading is because I know it will be high...it's a bit of a vicious circle and I think I just need to know how to have a different attitude to it and how to find motivation to fix my blood sugar when it's not right, instead of choosing the easier option and running away from it.
But I am determined though, I'm determined to get to a point in my life with diabetes where I wake up and the first thing that comes naturally to me is to check my blood sugar (I'm actually quite good at testing in the morning and they pleasantly surprise me most of the time) or for the first thing I think about before eating is to give myself insulin. Saying that, I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be and I have had major breakthroughs in blousing and testing my blood sugar but I'm still not that good at keeping it up. I don't know maybe I strive for too much, perhaps I expect myself to be perfect at looking after diabetes or something- but that's never possible, you can never be a "perfect diabetic". I look at the people I know who have brilliant HbA1c's and I considered them a perfect diabetic, but I have to remember they have their struggles with high and low blood sugars too, but it's how they let it affect them that matters.
On that note, it's not even really related to any of what I'm talking about but I thought I would say it before I forget it. I'm back at school now and everyone is comparing grades, and sometimes I look at HbA1c's in terms of grades; for example a 5 or 6 A1c is like an A* and then a 7 is a B and so on...and when diabetics compare HbA1c's it feels like comparing school grades sometimes. I get annoyed with the people who aren't happy with a low A or a high B at school, and that's how I feel about people who are unhappy with an A1c on the higher end of 6 or 7 and they want it to be better. I get annoyed because I didn't get any A's in my exams, I actually didn't do that well apart from a B in media- and I don't have an A1c of 6 or 7, in fact mine has been over 10 for as long as I can remember. If I had an A1c of 7 I would be over the moon; and then that brings me to remember that everyone has a different circumstance and so for me an A1c of 7 would be amazing because I haven't had one under 10 for a very long time, but for someone who always has A1c's at the lower end of 6, a 7 is disappointing to them.
I have no idea why I felt the need to ramble on and say that but I like to get things off my chest and most of the time that's either talking about it or writing about it. I feel like I ramble a lot when I blog, that's probably because I find writing down how I'm feeling so therapeutic and it actually helps me think things through; for example when I was talking about how I feel earlier- I managed to make sense of it by writing it down and the possible solutions I may or may not have mentioned have come from my head whilst writing, so what I'm saying is that I don't really pre-meditate what I'm going to blog, I just have one idea in my head and let things stem from there.
Anyway, that's pretty much all that I have to say for now. I'm actually at school right now, it's my free periods so it's okay...I have to finish off reading the rest of Wuthering Heights though, so I'm going to go and do that.
-Ellie
There's nothing of any significance going on with diabetes, I try my best, I get up everyday and go through the same routine as the day before, and the day before that...the whole thing became monotonous a long time ago; but my attitude to it changes everyday. One day I'll feel determined and the next I'll feel like it's all too much...but it can never be too much; because at the end of the day I don't have a choice whether it feels like too much or not. I recently found out that Elsa from Frozen was inspired by the executive producer's son...who is a type 1 diabetic, it made me smile and it made me feel proud to be diabetic. For a film with characters that had such an impact on people's lives to be ever so slightly affiliated with type one diabetes makes me smile, it's such a positive. I agreed to seeing the psychologist at the hospital- I spoke a lot about how I'm feeling in clinic back in August- it felt good to have everything out in the open and to know that my consultant understands. I'm happy with myself for agreeing. The problem I had for such a long time was that seeing a psychologist meant talking about yourself, about how you feel about things, and I just remember thinking "I don't even know how I feel, how can I tell someone else about it?" But it seems clearer in my head now. I feel like I'm at a point where seeing the psychologists can benefit me the most. What happens with me at the moment is I let myself get discouraged by high blood sugars, it's mainly when I know that the high blood sugar is my fault because then I don't want to test again because I don't want to know what the reading is because I know it will be high...it's a bit of a vicious circle and I think I just need to know how to have a different attitude to it and how to find motivation to fix my blood sugar when it's not right, instead of choosing the easier option and running away from it.
But I am determined though, I'm determined to get to a point in my life with diabetes where I wake up and the first thing that comes naturally to me is to check my blood sugar (I'm actually quite good at testing in the morning and they pleasantly surprise me most of the time) or for the first thing I think about before eating is to give myself insulin. Saying that, I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be and I have had major breakthroughs in blousing and testing my blood sugar but I'm still not that good at keeping it up. I don't know maybe I strive for too much, perhaps I expect myself to be perfect at looking after diabetes or something- but that's never possible, you can never be a "perfect diabetic". I look at the people I know who have brilliant HbA1c's and I considered them a perfect diabetic, but I have to remember they have their struggles with high and low blood sugars too, but it's how they let it affect them that matters.
On that note, it's not even really related to any of what I'm talking about but I thought I would say it before I forget it. I'm back at school now and everyone is comparing grades, and sometimes I look at HbA1c's in terms of grades; for example a 5 or 6 A1c is like an A* and then a 7 is a B and so on...and when diabetics compare HbA1c's it feels like comparing school grades sometimes. I get annoyed with the people who aren't happy with a low A or a high B at school, and that's how I feel about people who are unhappy with an A1c on the higher end of 6 or 7 and they want it to be better. I get annoyed because I didn't get any A's in my exams, I actually didn't do that well apart from a B in media- and I don't have an A1c of 6 or 7, in fact mine has been over 10 for as long as I can remember. If I had an A1c of 7 I would be over the moon; and then that brings me to remember that everyone has a different circumstance and so for me an A1c of 7 would be amazing because I haven't had one under 10 for a very long time, but for someone who always has A1c's at the lower end of 6, a 7 is disappointing to them.
I have no idea why I felt the need to ramble on and say that but I like to get things off my chest and most of the time that's either talking about it or writing about it. I feel like I ramble a lot when I blog, that's probably because I find writing down how I'm feeling so therapeutic and it actually helps me think things through; for example when I was talking about how I feel earlier- I managed to make sense of it by writing it down and the possible solutions I may or may not have mentioned have come from my head whilst writing, so what I'm saying is that I don't really pre-meditate what I'm going to blog, I just have one idea in my head and let things stem from there.
Anyway, that's pretty much all that I have to say for now. I'm actually at school right now, it's my free periods so it's okay...I have to finish off reading the rest of Wuthering Heights though, so I'm going to go and do that.
-Ellie
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Happy Birthday mummy!
Happy birthday to you, mum!
You are my absolute world. You are the strongest person that I know, you have a heart of gold and people can't help but love you! I don't know what I would do without you, as well as my mum you're my best friend, my motivation, my inspiration! You mean so much to me; when you're sad, I'm sad, when you're happy, I'm happy! I am so proud to call you my mum, and I am so grateful that you're mine.
Thank you for everything that you do for me, and for the support you give me. You keep me going! Thank you for being my biggest source of support and comfort. I know you're going through a rough time at the moment; and I would do anything to take it away from you. Your positivity and determination through it all inspires me. You help me to stay positive with my diabetes and you teach me to be thankful for the health that I have. I know my diabetes causes you worry and stress, and it's been the reason you and dad have had to jump out of bed at 1am to drive me to the hospital, it's been the reason for your sleepless nights and I know it's been the reason for some of your tears and more...despite it being tough on you as well as me you still help me to see the light in the dark; you help me to understand that I can do great things even with type 1 diabetes and you show me how to embrace it. As well as having to take care of all the regular mum stuff, you're also a type 1 mum- which makes you extra special!
But obviously there's more to you than just helping me with my diabetes- as well as a type 1 mum you have to deal with all the other stuff that comes with being a mum! Like cooking for us all (Your cooking is the best) and cleaning etc...and I know that I can be lazy and a moody teenager at times and I don't help as much as I should, and that makes you upset; but I never mean to make you upset and I'm always really sorry after you've been angry with me, and it makes me sad when you're sad; so know that even when I'm being a brat I don't want you to be upset because you are everything to me! I will try harder to help you more and stop being so lazy because I love you!
Mummy, you are clever and you're kind and you're amazing! You are caring and friendly and you light up my world! You are the most important person in my life; you are my life! So once more, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you so much and actually words can't really describe how much I love you, but as said in the book- "Guess How Much I Love You" which I know you know is the book we used to read together when Lauren and I were little-
"I love you right up to the moon...and back" and more!
You are my absolute world. You are the strongest person that I know, you have a heart of gold and people can't help but love you! I don't know what I would do without you, as well as my mum you're my best friend, my motivation, my inspiration! You mean so much to me; when you're sad, I'm sad, when you're happy, I'm happy! I am so proud to call you my mum, and I am so grateful that you're mine.
Thank you for everything that you do for me, and for the support you give me. You keep me going! Thank you for being my biggest source of support and comfort. I know you're going through a rough time at the moment; and I would do anything to take it away from you. Your positivity and determination through it all inspires me. You help me to stay positive with my diabetes and you teach me to be thankful for the health that I have. I know my diabetes causes you worry and stress, and it's been the reason you and dad have had to jump out of bed at 1am to drive me to the hospital, it's been the reason for your sleepless nights and I know it's been the reason for some of your tears and more...despite it being tough on you as well as me you still help me to see the light in the dark; you help me to understand that I can do great things even with type 1 diabetes and you show me how to embrace it. As well as having to take care of all the regular mum stuff, you're also a type 1 mum- which makes you extra special!
But obviously there's more to you than just helping me with my diabetes- as well as a type 1 mum you have to deal with all the other stuff that comes with being a mum! Like cooking for us all (Your cooking is the best) and cleaning etc...and I know that I can be lazy and a moody teenager at times and I don't help as much as I should, and that makes you upset; but I never mean to make you upset and I'm always really sorry after you've been angry with me, and it makes me sad when you're sad; so know that even when I'm being a brat I don't want you to be upset because you are everything to me! I will try harder to help you more and stop being so lazy because I love you!
Mummy, you are clever and you're kind and you're amazing! You are caring and friendly and you light up my world! You are the most important person in my life; you are my life! So once more, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you so much and actually words can't really describe how much I love you, but as said in the book- "Guess How Much I Love You" which I know you know is the book we used to read together when Lauren and I were little-
"I love you right up to the moon...and back" and more!
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