Feeling disheartened

I haven't properly written a blog post since May. I wrote a quick one for my 5 year 'diaversary' but that's been it lately. I don't really know why I haven't blogged, I have been busy with exams and sixth form but things aren't so hectic with school any more; so I don't really have an excuse! I feel like I lost motivation for a little while, I just haven't felt the desire to write a blog like I used to. Everytime I've been on my laptop I open up blogger but I just don't post. Anyway, I've decided to put that behind me and get back to blogging properly again; my blog looks so empty.

I wish I could write this post and say that diabetes is going great; but it's not. I've been struggling more than ever with it lately, and to be quite honest I'm not sure why. I feel like it might have had something to do with being thrown off track due to exam stress and things like that, and I never picked myself back up again. In March my HbA1c was 9.7%, the first time I got it under 10% in literally about three years, maybe more. The last time I went to clinic was a couple of weeks ago and my HbA1c now stands at 14%, the highest it's ever been. It's safe to say I have been feeling so disheartened about it all lately, and I am really trying but it's just that nothing is a routine for me any more, so it's too easy for me to forget to do something or to not do it at all; and I'm struggling to get back into routine. Diabetes care does not come naturally to me any more.

When you're first diagnosed people always says "It will be second nature to you, like brushing your teeth, or breathing!" It started off like that, the first couple of years with diabetes were okay, and the last few years of it all I can think of is high HbA1c's, and I wish that I was a "good" diabetic and did everything I should- but it's almost like because I lived eleven years without being a diabetic, my brain finds a way to get it back to that. I know it can't be obviously, I know I can't run away from it and I have to face it- but saying that, it's not as if I'm in denial about it, I'm aware of the fact that diabetes isn't going well at the moment, and I am aware of the fact that my blood sugars are high a lot, but I just really am struggling to get back on top of it.

I know what high blood sugar can do to me, I know how much my body will suffer in the long-run if I don't get things back under control but I'm working on it. I really am. I want to get back into control, but I'm going to run into times when I struggle, I know that. But I get really frustrated when I feel like I just can't do it, and it's really easy to feel disheartened. I don't want to struggle with it, but the fact is that I do, and everyone deals with diabetes differently and I'm just one of those diabetics who runs into "diabetes burnout" more often than not. I know looking after diabetes can be done, and I know there are so many people who go above and beyond despite type one diabetes- but then I always wonder how they do it, I wonder how they always find the drive to test and inject and things...I must sound so silly saying it but it's true, I wonder why I don't have the intense drive and they do. I want it.

I don't feel "depressed" about it, just a little down. And I'm struggling to be positive about it at the moment, until I know that I'm doing better I just feel so discouraged. I keep thinking about being co-chair of Type 1 Parliament and speaking in Parliament for Diabetes UK, and attending the JDRF Gala, and my blog and how positive about it I can be; but then I think- how can I be trying to help people when it appears I can't even help myself? I keep feeling like I've never been the right person for any of that stuff. Then I remember everyone has their ups and downs and that what I feel right now about diabetes is just a phase. I love advocating for it and sometimes I feel like my passion to raise awareness and advocate is enhanced by the fact that for me, it isn't a breeze and I've definitely experienced the ups and downs with diabetes. I can see it from both sides most definitely. And I have really realised lately that a life with type one diabetes is truly bitter sweet.

When I was diagnosed I don't think I thought as far ahead as 5 years, I was just taking diabetes one year at a time, well; a day at a time but you know what I mean. I don't think I really had any expectations or goals of where I wanted to be in 5 years in terms of diabetes- and now that I'm here I wish I did set myself some goals, it might have helped me keep up motivation and keep up a routine. I have the desire to get back into control but just can't seem to get there. I sound like such a broken record; and what I'm saying may not make much sense because I'm finding it difficult to express what position I'm in right now. It's definitely 'diabetes burnout' but I just don't know how to explain it.

Both me and my mum got upset over my HbA1c, my mum probably more than me. But I know it's because she worries and I know that you're probably reading this mum, so if you are and although I probably told you this the other week, I just need you to know I'm trying and I will get there. Find reassurance in the fact that I haven't given up and I won't give up- because I know that wouldn't get me very far. And I would do anything for you and I'm working super hard on getting back on track- for both of us, because I don't want you to worry about me, and trust me I don't want any damage to happen to me either. <3

I salute my parents for putting up with all my struggles with diabetes, I know it's super hard for them to know that I'm not doing great with my diabetes care at the moment. And I know they feel helpless but right now the best thing to do is just be there for me, because it's not that I don't want their help- it's just I feel that at the moment nothing is really working for me and I will get back into control because I've done it before and I've done it again. And in all honesty what I really need right now (and always will! ha ha) is my parents love and support because without them I have no idea what I would do- and in doing just that they are helping me in more ways than they know...!

I'm struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, I've been through rough patches with my diabetes before, but it just seems like an even worse one right now- enhanced by my HbA1c being high too. My consultant suggested going to see the psychologist to see if they can help me, but I am sort of against the idea because I just don't think it would do me much good because they are there to help you find more motivation, except I have the desire to do it and get better at my diabetes care but I just can't seem to find the routine...I mean I am feeling a bit discouraged but I feel like that's something I can get over on my own...and  I don't want to go to an appointment and find that I just don't open up at all because that would be a total waste of time. I don't know, I have a couple more weeks to make up my mind, I might warm to the idea, at least I can say that I've tried then.

That's where I'm at for now. I know I'll get there and I know I can do it, I have faith in myself that I can do this. And I know that I'm strong enough to do this, but at the moment I don't feel so strong.