I have been in hospital since Monday, I'm here for a planned admission to help me get back on track with my diabetes and I can't tell you just how bored I am. Actually it's an understatement to say I'm bored. The admission is in four stages and currently I'm on stage 2.
From Monday morning until Wednesday evening I was on a sliding scale and the rate on it was doubled when I ate. The sliding scale helped my consultant work out how much insulin I need so my basal rates could be recalculated. Then on Wednesday evening the new basal rates were set up on my pump and so since then it has been a case of monitoring my blood sugars to see how my blood sugars react to the new basal rates.
They're being a little bit stubborn right now and are running slightly high, around 10-13 quite a lot, but that's hardly anything compared to what my blood sugars were before coming into hospital. Things are being tweaked as we go along and I should be on stage 3 soon.
I've been thinking about it and I feel like this is quite hard emotionally? Number one because I want to be at home because I miss being around my parents and family and I'm bored, secondly when I didn't look after my diabetes there was no effort required and it wasn't so much hard work and it wasn't a huge thing to me. Now that it is being looked after and things are being tweaked I am reminded how much it takes to get things right with diabetes, and I don't like that, I don't like the frustration that comes with it all and the wondering why your blood sugars have behaved that way etc. and I know things will be tweaked and my blood sugars will go down to normal eventually but at the moment while they're running a little high and not quite getting into the normal range it makes me want to give up, and go back to not bothering because then it doesn't bother me.
I suppose those thoughts have only surfaced to me now, I think perhaps I maybe shut diabetes out for such a long time because one of the reasons was I just didn't want it and all the emotion that it comes along with to exist to me. Now they do, and the frustration towards diabetes is here and I want to go back to cutting it off- but that isn't wise, and it's not the right thing to do. The idea of getting back into control does exite me though and I look forward to the time when my diabetes will be routine to me again and hopefully that time will come before I leave the hospital.
I'm feeling positive about it though. I know I just have to keep an open mind about it and keep pushing forward because it will all be totally worth it in the end. I have to remind myself that what I'm doing here is for the best and negativity shouldn't be in my mind. I'll learn to deal with the frustrations and all the emotions diabetes brings- and I think I'll take the short-lived frustrations of temporary bad blood sugars over the permanent feelings of hopelessness and wanting to give up. I think I should look at frustration as a good thing, as in... I care, I want things to be better now, and I'm done living with constant high blood sugars and all that they entail.
I want to feel a low blood sugar again. I want my body to remember what it feels like to not be constantly high, my blood needs a break! It's been over five years now and what I never anticipated when I was diagnosed was just how much it would affect me emotionally and looking back I took it all in my stride so so much and even after being diagnosed I don't think I understood the full extent of what I was about to face, and diabetes has become so much more than what I ever thought it would be.
I have every bit of faith in myself that I'll get back into routine because number one, I have so much support from my parents, family and friends, and number two I know there will be a point where my basal rates work perfectly- it's just a case of tweaking things right now and when that happens and things settle into place I know it will get "easier". I put easier in quotation marks because it's not really "easy" but hopefully you know what I mean.
Stage 4 will be the real test when I am fully handed back control over my diabetes and I will do it all by myself again...but I know I can do it. I really do believe in myself for real this time and I have to just keep up with it and hopefully diabetes will truly be routine like brushing my teeth...what I was told on the day I was diagnosed over five years ago.
-Ellie
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