I find myself pondering life most days, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and questions, full of hows and what ifs. I suppose me and my thoughts, although not in constant agreement, have one goal, to make sense of this life and all that it is. I saw a quote earlier, from Scott Fitzgerald and it reads;
"I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life"
I like it.
Something that brings variety into life is my diabetes, spice up your life and all that, spicy Tuesdays eh Lydia?
Type One Diabetes is both a blessing and a curse, it is the reason that I have been a part of and experienced some really cool things, but it's also the reason that sometimes I lie awake at night wondering what impact it is having and will have on my life in the future. I try not to dwell on it though, I try not to get too concerned because otherwise it will consume my thoughts and all I'll do is have an internal panic about it all.
I can't panic or dwell on the fact that every time my blood sugar is not in the normal range it increases my risk of losing my sight, of losing a limb, kidney function, life. But no, I can't go there! But at the same time, I kind of have to go there? I have to remind myself of this every day so that I can give myself that extra kick to get and keep my blood sugar under control.
The difference is that I'm on autopilot when I'm doing that, my mind is programmed to think for the 100th time that day just what could happen to me, my subconscious mind, shall we say. Then the part of my mind that likes to overthink it will stroll up, that's where I have to reel it in.
I remember way back in Year 8, in a Religious Education class at school, our teacher asked us about responsibility and things that we have to be responsible for. I was only twelve, but I put my hand up and I said "I'm responsible for keeping myself alive because I have Type One Diabetes".
This disease brings so much variety to this life that sometimes you become very much aware of the thin white string that's keeping you here, probably otherwise known as insulin and a beating heart.
That realisation though, that deeper understanding of how precious this life is, is a blessing. I have Type One Diabetes but also thanks to insulin I have as much of a chance to live my life as everyone around me. It may be a struggle, but it's also a reason to be thankful!
I don't know where exactly I wanted this post to go, it's just thoughts though, a glimpse into the whirlwind that is my mind, a glimpse into my opinion on this equally enchanting and repelling inexhaustible variety that is life.