Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Ramble

I'm slacking with my blog, and I always say that it's because I have nothing to write about yet I live with this disease 24/7...there's almost always something to write about; but the question is if I remember to do it or not. Today marks three weeks being back at sixth form, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by it all, by exams and re-marks, and re-sits and whether or not we'll get our final grades next year. And if you asked me how I'm feeling I'll tell you I'm tired, because I am, and it's sixth form and it's diabetes, and dumb hormones that don't do their job properly.


There's nothing of any significance going on with diabetes, I try my best, I get up everyday and go through the same routine as the day before, and the day before that...the whole thing became monotonous a long time ago; but my attitude to it changes everyday. One day I'll feel determined and the next I'll feel like it's all too much...but it can never be too much; because at the end of the day I don't have a choice whether it feels like too much or not. I recently found out that Elsa from Frozen was inspired by the executive producer's son...who is a type 1 diabetic, it made me smile and it made me feel proud to be diabetic. For a film with characters that had such an impact on people's lives to be ever so slightly affiliated with type one diabetes makes me smile, it's such a positive. I agreed to seeing the psychologist at the hospital- I spoke a lot about how I'm feeling in clinic back in August- it felt good to have everything out in the open and to know that my consultant understands. I'm happy with myself for agreeing. The problem I had for such a long time was that seeing a psychologist meant talking about yourself, about how you feel about things, and I just remember thinking "I don't even know how I feel, how can I tell someone else about it?" But it seems clearer in my head now. I feel like I'm at a point where seeing the psychologists can benefit me the most. What happens with me at the moment is I let myself get discouraged by high blood sugars, it's mainly when I know that the high blood sugar is my fault because then I don't want to test again because I don't want to know what the reading is because I know it will be high...it's a bit of a vicious circle and I think I just need to know how to have a different attitude to it and how to find motivation to fix my blood sugar when it's not right, instead of choosing the easier option and running away from it.


But I am determined though, I'm determined to get to a point in my life with diabetes where I wake up and the first thing that comes naturally to me is to check my blood sugar (I'm actually quite good at testing in the morning and they pleasantly surprise me most of the time) or for the first thing I think about before eating is to give myself insulin. Saying that, I'm definitely not as bad as I used to be and I have had major breakthroughs in blousing and testing my blood sugar but I'm still not that good at keeping it up. I don't know maybe I strive for too much, perhaps I expect myself to be perfect at looking after diabetes or something- but that's never possible, you can never be a "perfect diabetic". I look at the people I know who have brilliant HbA1c's and I considered them a perfect diabetic, but I have to remember they have their struggles with high and low blood sugars too, but it's how they let it affect them that matters.


On that note, it's not even really related to any of what I'm talking about but I thought I would say it before I forget it. I'm back at school now and everyone is comparing grades, and sometimes I look at HbA1c's in terms of grades; for example a 5 or 6 A1c is like an A* and then a 7 is a B and so on...and when diabetics compare HbA1c's it feels like comparing school grades sometimes. I get annoyed with the people who aren't happy with a low A or a high B at school, and that's how I feel about people who are unhappy with an A1c on the higher end of 6 or 7 and they want it to be better. I get annoyed because I didn't get any A's in my exams, I actually didn't do that well apart from a B in media- and I don't have an A1c of 6 or 7, in fact mine has been over 10 for as long as I can remember. If I had an A1c of 7 I would be over the moon; and then that brings me to remember that everyone has a different circumstance and so for me an A1c of 7 would be amazing because I haven't had one under 10 for a very long time, but for someone who always has A1c's at the lower end of 6, a 7 is disappointing to them.


I have no idea why I felt the need to ramble on and say that but I like to get things off my chest and most of the time that's either talking about it or writing about it. I feel like I ramble a lot when I blog, that's probably because I find writing down how I'm feeling so therapeutic and it actually helps me think things through; for example when I was talking about how I feel earlier- I managed to make sense of it by writing it down and the possible solutions I may or may not have mentioned have come from my head whilst writing, so what I'm saying is that I don't really pre-meditate what I'm going to blog, I just have one idea in my head and let things stem from there.


Anyway, that's pretty much all that I have to say for now. I'm actually at school right now, it's my free periods so it's okay...I have to finish off reading the rest of Wuthering Heights though, so I'm going to go and do that.


-Ellie

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