Sunday, 13 October 2013

Understanding

I didn't struggle with it when I was first diagnosed. When the doctor in A&E told me I had Type one diabetes I sort of just...sat there. I accepted it, though. I knew what I had just been told, or did I?

Did I really, truly realise the bigger picture on Type one diabetes aside from the finger pricks and injections? At eleven years old? Nope. No I didn't. Because if I did, the next four and a half years would have been a breeze because maybe, just maybe, I would have been prepared. I mean I guess I was prepared in the sense that I knew high and low symptoms, I knew how to inject, I knew how to test my blood sugar- but it was all still superficial stuff. Stuff that was on the surface. It would probably be better if doctor's and nurses would explain the whole "You will have to inject for the rest of your life. But it will be okay" speech better. Because, yes it will be okay...but four and a half years after that sentence I realise it takes a lot of strength and vigilance to make sure it will really be okay.

You leave the hospital with a false sense of what you had just been thrown into. I don't remember being told that I will have days when I can't manage, that it will upset me sometimes and on a few days of the year I would outright hate it. The implications of a monotonous, 24/7 routine are not yet known...until you learn for yourself. It's all a learning curve, even if it's learning what to do in the event of a low blood sugar, or what to do when you hit a mental block and want to give up for a day.

But I also learned that I can do it. I learned that I can over come these "mental blocks" where my brain almost switches diabetes off all together and says "I'd rather not deal with diabetes today, or the day after, or the day after that" I come to points in my life with Type one diabetes where I feel like things almost become too overwhelming at times- being a teenager I'm constantly on the move with school and the like, so I don't find time to "squeeze" diabetes into a free time frame that I have because I'd rather be doing something else.

That's what I can assume anyway...
Assume? How can I assume something that came straight from my own mind? I can only assume because I do not know.

I don't get why I don't do my blood sugars or give insulin like I'm supposed to, I don't understand why feeling thirsty has become a general everyday feeling for me and some days the feelings just aren't there at all...it's just the blood sugar. The blood sugar that creeps up like a tiger hunting it's prey; it pounces when least expected and it's predictability is unaccountable. Then again neither is mine.

Some days I will have motivation to do what I'm supposed to. I will find my fighting spirit and it will be stronger than ever some days. Then, the next day things can completely change and I will fall out of the routine having only just got back into it the week before- and then I'd have to start all over again. It is tiring, it is tough dealing with an incurable disease that is literally a 24/7 thing. At sixteen years old I feel even more torn.

I don't normally make posts about negative subjects but I have struggled A LOT this year with Type one diabetes more than any previous years.

I am the type of person who does not like to depend too much on others, I don't like to feel like I need help to do something. I know my parents, family and friends all want to help me and I love that they do- I just have a hard time accepting it...probably most because I don't want to burden them with the real, physical (blood sugar checking insulin-giving demands) Type One. It's bad enough that they see me deal with it and it affects them too but then add on them actually having to take on some of the demands- I just couldn't put that strain on them. Ever since I was diagnosed a few weeks shy of my 12th birthday I have seen myself as old enough to do it on my own- and I have done, with my parents love, support and supervision.

Then I ask myself...why now am I feeling as though I need help more than ever now? And it's because I will openly admit that, yes...I am struggling right now.

I know I'm never alone because I have my parents, family, friends and the #GBDOC. And everyone is always there to help me and of course I accept it most times; I just find it difficult to.

Then I always think my parents don't even understand how I feel enough to help me...I'm glad they don't understand it fully, because obviously that means they don't  have D. Then again it makes me sad and I know it upsets them when there always appears to be this glass pane separating our emotions...mine feeling raw in the face of diabetes 24/7, theirs feeling raw in watching it and worrying for me. But I feel it physically and emotionally. Theirs is emotional but I guess maybe the pounding heart and headache stemmed from stress...are physical. But I don't want my parents to be stressed! So I am so TORN. Do I let them help me and effectively throw an extra truck load of worry and responsibility on their shoulders? or not let them help me but try and re-assure them in saying that I will be able to manage this, one day- and the day will come soon.

Although I say they don't understand they are still affected by type one. But they cannot see inside my head, or feel the worry or the fear or the frustration that I feel at not managing my type one the way I should be. I love my parents so much and would never reject their help because I don't want them to help me- of course I do, but then I want to be able to do it on my own and not have to rely on them- it's unfair on them all the more.

I don't even know if that even makes sense.
*Enter frustrated keyboard nonsense here*: bfsngkrfojsejgorengifsjfringijsofrjfsl.

Yeah.
I feel frustrated at the moment and still haven't been able to figure out how I'm going to manage this. The important thing right now is that I have my parents, family and friends all supporting me and encouraging me and doing their VERY best to help me even though they don't fully understand how it all is for me right now. I need to get into a mind-frame where they don't have to understand quite so much...at the moment the way things are going with me and diabetes right now are things even I don't understand.
But I will get there soon, and I am getting there. I'm working on it.

-Ellie
[Peace&Insulin]

1 comment:

  1. No matter what, whether you have type 1 or not, you will need help throughout your life. And the very strongest and bravest know when to let other people in and let them help. Living with Type 1 is huge amount of work, maybe there is a piece of it you can let your parents or friends take on for you ... for just a little while ... for just as long as you need to catch your breath.

    Hugs ... and best wishes!

    ReplyDelete