Without sounding too negative, I can't help but think sometimes of how overwhelming a life with type one diabetes can be. It is constant, it is 24/7 and sometimes quite intensely so. In the midst of my struggles with type one, I've been trying to figure out ways to get myself back on track, and the planned admission, so far, has been one of the only things that have actually worked, and lasted for longer than about a week. It gave me a sense of routine, it reminded me of what it means to be in control over my diabetes and being back in control has reminded me of the intense amount of effort that goes into staying healthy as a type one diabetic. I am not saying this as a means to fall out of routine again, because that's not what's happening...I'm just merely reflecting on all that it is to live a life with type one. I'm 17 years old, I shouldn't be worrying about any of this, but I am, and the fact that I cannot live without the vials of insulin in the fridge is a scary thought sometimes. My body does not have the ability to sustain life on it's own, and if I did not have my insulin pump or insulin injections I would not be here. But even insulin is a hazard to some extent, if I take too much my body goes spiralling into low blood sugar, too little and it goes the opposite way. The word 'caution' springs to mind, I have to have my eyes open to the effects of this disease 24/7, I have to keep watch on my blood sugars, on how much carbohydrate I'm eating, how I'm feeling, everything- or I would get unwell. That is why I cannot have a break. That is why routine with type one diabetes is so intense. That is why it overwhelms me when I think about it.
It's not just the routine that overwhelms me though. It's also the possibility of what this disease can do to my body. I'll tell you what I am most afraid of out of all the possible complications...blindness. I know if I say it people would probably think "don't be negative" or "that won't happen to you" or "just look after it and you'll be fine" but it's hard to "just" look after it no matter how afraid I am of what could happen if I don't, and I'm not going to paint a pretty picture of flowers and positivity because sometimes it just isn't that, sometimes it's hard to see the light no matter how hard you try. It's the scariest one for me because to see everyone around me, and the sky and the trees and the sun when it shines is a privilege...I take great joy in seeing the world around me and to think that type one diabetes has the possibility to take that away from me is something I can't quite fathom, because on one hand I have hope it will never happen, but on the other hand I am very aware that it could. I am afraid, but for some reason that has never been enough to kick start my motivation to get back into control again. However, what is important is that I'm getting back into control and to look ahead to a positive future with type one is the way to go, although I have the right to rant when I want to!
Everyday I am reminded that what I live with is not to be downplayed, the potential type one diabetes has is not to be brushed aside. I am living with a disease that works so hard against me. But the fact that I still smile despite type one tells me that I'm winning to some extent, even if I'm not fully back in control of it yet, but I've worked pretty damn hard to get to where I am with it. So I'll keep pushing on because I have so much love and support around me, and the drive to do this, because I know that I can, no matter how overwhelming it gets sometimes.