Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Thoughts

I had my hospital appointment yesterday, and my Hhba1c is 12%.
I've finished mentally beating myself up about it...I did all that on the train home yesterday when I decided to sit quietly and listen to my music because I just wanted to scream because I felt so so frustrated.

My Hba1c being high doesn't dishearten me, as such...but I do feel as though I let other people down more than myself, like my parents and my diabetes team- neither of them make me feel like this but I feel like it. I want a good Hba1c for myself, so I can be healthy, my diabetes team because they try and help me so much and sometimes I think I'm just throwing it back in their faces and for my parents mostly- because I know it will make them so so happy- I love them so much and their happiness is what matters most and they also try and help me so so much and I want to just be able to apply their help to my diabetes management- but I'm trying so hard and nothing is clicking.

I know what can happen if I don't do what I'm supposed to, I know what I'm supposed to do, but whether or not I do it is another story. I always wonder why it doesn't all register as it should, though...I think "Ok Ellie, today I will do this right" then lunch will roll around and it will all go out of the window. Needles and blood sugar testing and carbohydrate counting are not things that I grew up with- I lived the first eleven years of my life with out diabetes and obviously I expected my life to stay that way and it didn't. It's not as though I'm in denial about it because I accept what I have and I knew I was going to have to learn to live with it, but this whole routine with diabetes is something you're thrown into from the day you're diagnosed. It's not as easy as it seems to conform to a totally new lifestyle- especially something like the fact that what I have to do each and every day is what keeps me alive.

I really want to stay positive about it but at certain times I can feel overwhelmed by the fact that I need to get it together because it's my life until there is a cure. It's all up to me, my parents and family and friends and diabetes team can help me but at the end of the day, it's my diabetes and I know ultimate control lies in my hands and it's a big thing to acknowledge. I wish I could control my mind with some sort of remote, my mind has a mind of it's own...or if only someone could step into my mind and properly understand because I can say all of this to people but I think "I can try and explain how I'm feeling but I'm afraid people might think I'm just being lazy and that it takes a stupid person not to look after their diabetes" No one has ever implied that to me, but I know the general opinion on people who have bad control over their blood sugar is that they're "lazy" - but people don't get that it's actually really hard to do all of this.

I tend to hide the fact that I struggle and I always do a nervous laugh in clinic even when nothing is even funny because if I didn't do that I'd probably have nothing else better but to scream in frustration and say to myself over and over "WHY haven't I got the hang of this yet".

-Ellie
[Peace&Insulin]

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